It’s Not Personal: 5 Ways to Embrace the Personality Clash with Your Teen

“No one said parenting would be easy.”

I love phrases like this. The ones that offer the slightest hint of validation yet are fully saturated in a feisty provocation.

It allures a universal understanding; entering the teen years will take on a different edge. We find ourselves saying things like, “it used to be so easy” embracing an earlier innocence we eagerly miss. Somehow, it felt different when our children were younger, at least that’s the mainstream understanding, giving the illusion that we somehow had more control.

Control is a stubborn concept that can inform our parenting. That is, if we dare to observe it. It sheds light on an underlying theme, “if I assert more power, I will have more control.” If only it were that simple. Deep down, we irritatingly know, a controlling nature has its parenting consequences.

Truth be told, parenting will consistently offer experiences we didn’t prepare for. And a personality clash with your teen is just one of them. It’s the “we butt heads all the time” or the “we couldn’t be more opposite” that comes crashing to the surface. A give-and-take dynamic that’s incredibly common and widely overlooked.

Ready for a shift in perspective?

Here’s 5 parenting tips that will help you re-connect with what you can control and boldly re-define the personality mismatch between you and your teen.

1. It’s Not Personal:

Clashing with your teen can bring forth a variety of negative feelings and evoke some fiercely messy interactions. Though adolescent development and a growing independence partly address the question, “why do my teen and I argue so much,” I wonder if such a blanket understanding negates a deeper vulnerability.

While your teen’s response isn’t always a personal jab, parenting feels personal. Interactions with your teen have the power to connect you to your innermost insecurities; those parts of you that question your self-confidence and allure a bigger fear to the surface, “Am I a good parent?”

So, ask yourself, what insecurities get stimulated when I clash with my teen?

2. What’s Your Part:

When we’re at our best, it’s easier to accept that a personality mismatch exists. It’s also a good time to assess your role. I often ask parents this question, are you in any way trying to change your teen to make your parenting role easier?

It’s relatively easy for both parties to participate in trying to change the other, fueling a false narrative around control. We can’t change others; we can only change ourselves. When you find yourself saying, “it would be so much easier if only they would…,” take time to check-in, giving space to re-evaluate what’s really happening.

3. Reduce the Weight:

What is it about your child’s personality that really bothers you? Get specific. When we compartmentalize the specific trait(s) within the larger personality, we free ourselves from catastrophizing the personality clash.

From this space, we can create realistic boundaries around what we need most, while also empathizing with the needs of our teen. This provides greater accountability, but also serves as a gentle reminder when the mismatch comes to the forefront. Teens want to be collaborative. And like you they desire to have more respectful interactions.

4. Grieve the Ideal:

Expectations are an inherent part of parenting. We have ideals about how things will be, and our hopes rarely consider the what-ifs until we’re in one. This is where we observe the gap of what was supposed to be versus what is, mindfully acknowledging the personality clash and grieving the loss of what we expected.

Ask yourself, what relationship expectations did I have? What was this supposed to look like? When we bravely recognize what we wanted, we not only permissively hold space to be honest with ourselves, we also recognize the emotions that accompanies the clash.

5. Observe the Strengths:

This one is all about switching gears and observing the personality clash from a different viewpoint. Difficult interactions are filled with moments for growth. This requires creativity and a hint of playfulness. What can this personality mismatch be showing you? How does your teen’s personality serve them outside of the home? The same applies for you, how does your personality support you in your day-to- day? I guarantee, you’ll find something dynamic amidst the frustrations.

As you boldly navigate the personality clash with your teen, observe these messy moments as opportunities to re-define the mismatch. Afterall, we love our teens, yet we won’t always love every characteristic that they bring to the interaction.