What is Positive Parenting?
Often times, parents will ask me, Christina, what parenting approach or theory works best with teens?
From my perspective, there’s no one-size-fits-all parenting approach; the reality is hundreds of thousands of parenting resources exist for parents of teens. Don’t do that, do more of this, never do that. In an ideal situation, we take what we read, put the recommendations into practice, and the actions we take give us the results we want.
If only it were that simple…
Parenting approaches are intended to guide our parenting, which means that parenting choices exist. I want to encourage caregivers to take a curious approach to parenting theories by making efforts to learn about different parenting styles and approaches, while also questioning parenting concepts that simply don’t make sense.
While I like to take an eclectic approach to parenting, by taking into consideration the following factors, I also want to share one parenting style that is backed by research.
Your teen’s personality
Your personality as a parent
Academic factors
Environment
Cultural factors
Social factors
Development
Resources (General)
Stressors or other risk factors
Positive Parenting
Positive parenting acknowledges “parent” as an inclusive term and honors those individuals that play a caretaking role in the well-being of a child, extending to adoptive and foster parents, grandparents, family members, and any other individual who plays a nurturing and supportive role.
Positive parenting understands that challenges are normal and takes a proactive approach to parenting. In doing so, positive parenting separates itself from a deficit-based model, which focuses on problems and what’s lacking. Positive parenting concentrates on protective factors, and what’s already working within the child and the child-parent dynamic.
Positive parenting believes that all children are born good and want to engage in positive behaviors. It solidifies attachment, empathy, positive discipline, and respect as its foundations. The relationship between the teen and caregiver is at the forefront of this model, and the focus is the best interest of the child. Parenting is provided in a consistent and unconditional manner, respecting the stage of a child’s development. Open communication, emotional support, and non-violence are additional values inherent to this approach.
In practice, positive parenting models for teens what we want them to practice in their daily experiences, which naturally asks that loved ones take an active role in parenting. Parents become leaders, teachers, and coaches, modeling effective communication, and behaviors; teens become a collaborative partner in their growth, both by taking an active role in navigating their choices, and by organically witnessing behaviors and learning approaches they can then emulate.
Under this model, parents leave a controlling parenting perspective behind, and learn how to reframe parenting challenges into opportunities for growth, acceptance, and connection. Parenting is constantly evolving, and teens are consistently changing as well—positive parenting understands this. Positive parenting has the capacity to grow with the developing needs of each teen and the individual caregiver, and flows with the unique teen-parent dynamic, empowering both.
Parenting Tip: 5-STEP “EMOTION COACHING”
As briefly discussed previously, endless parenting books and resources exist, yet caregivers are often plagued by indecision over which resource to turn to. Many parenting ideas contradict one another, and recommended approaches don’t always adapt to real-life situations. Different factors impact these gaps, and John Gottman, one of the co-founders of the Gottman Institute, observed the need for more research to understand what makes a “good” parent. Turning his focus away from parenting misconceptions, he developed “The Emotion Coach,” one of four parenting types that’s rooted in an emotional approach to addressing concerning behaviors.
Emotion coaching moves away from a “let’s fix the behavior” mindset into a “what’s the underlying cause for this behavior” mindset. Here’s how it works:
STEP 1 asks that parents pay attention to their own emotions, while also attuning to the emotions of their teen.
STEP 2 is to connect with the teen and recognize that their emotional experiences are all opportunities for learning, and to teach them to talk about their feelings.
STEP 3 includes listening to your teen and respecting what they have to say. This is an opportunity to understand your teen without judgment.
STEP 4 is to name the feelings your teen is feeling and help provide them with an emotional vocabulary by modeling your own emotions. Talking about your own feelings is one way to model.
STEP 5 focuses on collaborative problem-solving, which includes thinking about possible solutions to a given concern.
Final Thoughts
I hope you’ve enjoyed exploring Positive Parenting, a research-backed parenting approach that focuses on nurturing relationships, open communication, and the emotional development of teens. By modeling positive behaviors and fostering a collaborative environment, caregivers can help teens grow and navigate challenges more effectively. And let’s not forget John Gottman's "Emotion Coaching," a five-step method, that encourages parents to understand and address the underlying emotions behind their teen's behaviors.
I hope you take what resonates for you and leave behind what doesn’t.
