Single Parenting Triggers
According to the latest Census on single parent households (2021), single parents make up 26.7% of American families raising underage children compared to 57.5% for married couples, 4.7% for unmarried couples, and 11.1% for other parenting relatives. What this tells me; single parenting is common, therefore more normalized. Yet I wonder, does normalization minimize the vulnerability that is single parenting?
While the statistics infer that single parenting is more acceptable, acceptability can be reckless territory. When experiences are chunked into a box of “acceptability,” it’s easy to hide behind a permissive mask that disconnects us from engaging our truth.
When we turn away from truth, we lose our edge. Owning the things that trigger and test our limits is a bold move. Truth be told, single parenting is a mixed experience. Some days you’re boldly navigating the freedom that exists in your choices and other days you’re scattered, chaotically grasping for the next right action.
It’s time to get brutally honest and explore 5 single parenting triggers that captivate our discomfort.
1. IDENTIFIED BY THE OLD
We all have a narrative; a timeline of experiences that got us to this exact moment, yet time influences how we choose to personally identify within our story.
Being introduced as something that isn’t a designated title you wish to own, such as “the ex-spouse of,” or any other external tag that signals "single parent,” is an annoyance that comes with opportunity; a provocation to boldly reclaim and stand in your power.
Yes, you’re a single parent, yet this is just one piece of your identity. Be permissive and dare to define and re-define, who you are within, and outside of this role.
2. CO-PARENTING CLASH
In a “perfect” scenario, co-parenting engages two, sometimes more, caregivers who can mutually, and respectfully, parent between two households. Yet, what happens when the circumstances are less than ideal?
Internal disruption ensues; the physical sensations that stir in your body like a volcano ready to explode. Your nervous system is dysregulated, and your inner voice is screaming, “this is out of my control.” And you’re right; what happens in the other household is out of your hands.
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is detach from a co-parenting standard that doesn’t fit your situation, instead expand on the values you wish to solidify in your own home.
3. PARENTING GUILT
As humans, we’re great at attaching meaning to a given scenario. We create stories; some carry truth, others are smothered with inaccuracies paved by personal perception. Personal perception gets fueled by our feelings and thoughts, and if we’re not careful, we project our perception onto those around us, including our children.
When we create narratives for how our children feel and experience living within a single parent dynamic, it makes sense that guilt loyally follows making us it’s direct target. Make time to separate what’s your story from your child’s narrative. Often times you’ll find that your mind is perpetuating a storyline that doesn’t exist.
4. “I CAN’T BE ALL THINGS”
As single parents, we’re challenged with taking on different roles and sometimes we don’t want to, don’t know how to, or simply can’t. As single parents, there seems to be an ongoing theme of needing to give more that gets tangled with having to compensate for what a co-caregiver, or other absent parent, isn’t, or can’t provide.
We can’t always fulfill a role that isn’t ours to wear. Knowing this rationally is one piece yet owning this can be incredibly difficult. With time, the rational and emotional parts of the brain will align. For now, give yourself permission to hold these two pieces at odds.
5. RACE AGAINST TIME
Time seems to be in short supply and comes in high demand. We’re constantly making efforts to squeeze in as much hands-on time as we can, while also juggling the list of to-dos against a clock that’s counting down. No wonder we’re at odds with time and completely stressed out.
Our stress, fatigue and guilt included, impacts our children. While we want to give our children both quality and quantity time, if we’re carrying stress, time spent isn’t going to be fun for anyone. You time is also important, so choose to make yourself a priority.
Simply put, single parenting is different. Yes, other parenting dynamics can empathize, yet there’s a unique messiness that we need to honor for ourselves. Take time to own the messy, while choosing your best edge along the way.
