What is Parenting Really About?

PARENTING IS NOT ABOUT YOUR TEEN

I know this sounds backwards, and based on what most mainstream parenting has ever told you, why wouldn’t this feel reversed? And, I say this with my hand in the air signaling, I used to think that parenting was all about my kids too.

Parenting has been marketed in a way that tells the parent,

• Fix the presenting concern with your teen, and your life will be easier.

• No matter what, drop everything, your teen comes first.

We’re so over-focused on our teen’s qualities and behaviors, spinning our wheels trying to fix our teens, with our children coming before our own needs. All the while, attempting to figure out this whole parenting thing, wondering why our techniques, communications, repetitions, lectures etc. aren’t working.

HERE’S THE BIG SECRET

Parenting is about the parent, which means yes, parenting is about you.

While we have parenting blueprints for what generations before us did and other resources such as books and podcasts, etc., parenting will constantly be evolving because we, the parents, are consistently changing. The person you were a year ago or 5 years ago, is likely not the same person you are today, which translates over. The parent you were a year ago or 5 years ago, is likely not the parent you are today.

Here’s the really big piece of the secret…

If you’re changing, your parenting approach will change too, which means if you want to see changes in your teen, you have to make the changes within yourself that you wish to see in your teen.

PARENTING STARTS WITH YOU

While our foundational values stay firmly rooted for the most part, the way in which we view and operate from these values changes because we’re learning and integrating new information all the time.

• Example:

  • It’s always been important to me that my teen learns resiliency, so it’s okay if they struggle or are challenged in this relationship with their teacher or coach. Whereas I used to email their teacher for them, it’s best if they handle this part of their academics and take responsibility for their actions.

And our priorities shift over time too. What we placed emphasis on before may not be as important anymore.

• Example:

  • Knowing what my teen is experiencing is my priority. And if the best way to understand their world is to communicate via text versus face to face, then I’m okay with that.

Or what worked may need small tweaks and fine tuning.

• Example:

  • As my teen becomes more independent, they want more involvement in what happens. I used to make those choices with minimal input from them, but taking a collaborative approach makes more sense for our relationship, and their needs.

What’s really exciting about parenting starting with you, is you get to re-define and re-create a parenting blueprint that personally works for you, from an internal space of who you are, and what you value and prioritize.

PARENTING TIP

DECLUTTER WHAT ISN’T AND EMBRACE WHAT IS

• Think about parenting ideas, concepts, or resources that no longer make sense for you. Write them down, then let them go.

  • We’re not passing judgment as we let go, we’re simply saying, 

    • This didn’t work for me personally and that’s okay. Parenting is unique to me.

• Focus on parenting ideas, concepts, and resources that make sense for you as the parent you are right now.

  • Embrace them and use them intentionally.

    • Think about why they resonate with you.

      • Do they align with your parenting values and priorities?

      • Do they feel good on a gut level?

      • When you put them into practice, do you feel positive about the process from start to finish, or find yourself feeling out of alignment ?

      • Is the idea, concept, or resource a good fit for your teen? Take your teen’s personality into account too.