Reflections from a Single Mom
I never intended to be a single parent. It was more of an indirect consequence of me following my heart. While I don’t regret my choices, I definitely have moments where I think, WTF, this is really hard. Even now it’s difficult to articulate the consistent imbalance I feel between the many hats I wear as a single mom.
It’s funny, in a lot of ways, I had a fantasy. I would enter this new chapter with unwavering strength, taking every new challenge with grace, and I would come out on top with an indescribable joy that would permeate every single cell of my body. I would have a movie moment of sorts, overcoming obstacles and the many layers of pain, yet what I encountered was a story filled with incredibly dark and agonizing moments, and a frantic energy accompanied by endless tears.
I can hear my mentor now, this is another layer, peel it back. Well, sometimes I didn’t want to be an onion, feeling so raw and defeated. I wanted to dig my head in the sand, creating an illusion of distraction. I was exhausted, naively hoping that I could escape a past that I inherently knew I couldn’t outrun. I had to shatter the skewed perception before me, following your heart doesn’t immediately align with ease and grace.
The majority of my life was rooted in keeping a level head amidst chaos, and allowing accomplishment to dictate my self-worth. These qualities don’t transfer lightly. It also meant that I had mastered the art of I’m fine, everything is okay. My old patterns of operating couldn’t navigate my new, single mom of two, context.
The only way out, was through; forming a new narrative with the following concepts at the forefront:
I Don’t Have It All Figured Out
There’s something so rewarding about acknowledging that I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s incredibly freeing, even rebellious. Somedays I’m a hot mess, scattered trying to make sense of situations that are completely out of my control. The more I release the need to know, fix, or ask, but why, the more permissive I am with myself. Better yet, it allows me to soften and find peace within the chaos of not knowing.
Crying Is Cathartic
I used to say, I hate crying or I don’t even know why I’m crying, largely because I felt overpowered by my emotions. The more I allowed myself to cry, the more grounded and clear I felt about my past, and the daily challenges that erupted with so much transition happening at once. Now, I welcome a good cry, and can engage that emotional part of myself that needs to fall apart every now and then.
I Love My Circle
o When your emotional resources are low and change is around every corner, asking for help is no longer optional. I’ve been blessed with a supportive family and amazing friends who’ve stuck by me through some of my ugliest moments. When we give ourselves the opportunity to say, hey, I’m really struggling here, we give others permission to sit in our vulnerability, fueling connection that is absolutely necessary.
I Have An Impact
My decisions, even those guided by my heart, have influence. Divorce, even one born out of good intentions, isn’t easy, and it certainly affected my kids. For a long time, I felt guilty for placing this change on them, after all they weren’t given a choice.
Guilt can be stubborn, reckless, causing confusion and vulnerability. Guilt expands in an atmosphere of dishonesty, yet loses its power when we embrace the harsh realities of our choices. I’ve had to answer some tough questions, hold space for anger and resentments, and I’ve wiped many tears. I’ve had to stand in my truth, making efforts to honestly address the questions that start with, why did you leave?
With time, healing takes different forms and provides opportunities for growth, especially when we’re willing to take responsibility for our heart’s quest for something different and our mind’s understanding that what was, no longer is.
