5 Parenting Tips I Swear By
Christina, What parenting tips, tools or skills do I need to know?
Parenting advice is everywhere—books, podcasts, social media outlets, and the unsolicited, yet well-intended chatter from friends, family and yes, even complete strangers. Let’s be honest though, how much of it feels unrealistic, repetitive, misaligned or completely impossible to implement when you’re in the messiest of moments?
Parenting isn’t about following a rigid set of rules or engaging in a parenting approach that’s trending, it’s about curiously observing, tuning in, adapting and identifying what actually works within your unique family context. Parenting requires us to break free from a one-size-fits-all parenting approach, question mainstream parenting concepts, and align vulnerability with rebellion. Only then, can we expand into the unknown and choose a parenting edge that honors values over trends.
While I’ve sifted through various parenting resources, tried and failed at plenty of strategies, I’ve landed on a core parenting must-dos that continue to feel relevant for those of us raising tweens and teens. Here are 5 parenting tips that will stand the test of time:
(1) LET YOUR TEEN STRUGGLE
Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” Invest time into patiently teaching your teen life skills that will support them in entering experiences independently and confidently. When you see your teen struggle, think of it as an opportunity for them to acquire a new skill, rather than a space for you to jump in to take over. Ask them open-ended questions that prompt independent thinking and problem-solving. For example, “What is one solution that will help you right now?” Allow your teen to follow through with their solution, even if you foresee an unfavorable outcome.
Teens can always come back to the solution board and try again—this is why it’s critical to remind teens that this concept of “failing” is actually an opportunity to use new information to choose a different solution.
(2) ACKNOWLEDGE A CHANGING SYSTEM
As teens become increasingly autonomous, make time to sit down and discuss new boundaries within the family system. Things have changed. What are new realistic expectations? When are times boundaries can be shifted? How will the family address these new boundaries? Taking a proactive approach helps prepare for transitions and supports your teen’s increasing need for independence.
(3) CREATE TEMPLATES FOR RELATIONSHIPS
Sit down with your teen and create a template that addresses how they want to behave in relationships, friendly or romantic,
and their expectations of the other person. Questions that can help you brainstorm include:
What are my values and what’s important to me in a relationship?
How do I expect others to treat me?
What are deal-breakers or things that will lead me to end the relationship?
What do I expect of myself? Be specific. For example, trust is a great value, but what does trust look like with words and in behaviors?
How would I know that someone is being trustworthy? What does it not look like?
For teens, relationships outside the home become reliable sources for connectedness and belonging. Romantic relationships are also fundamental, and teens need support in learning how to be a good partner. Helpful reminders that dating relationships require a similar skill set to friendships can help ease dating firsts and let them recognize that they already have a general skill set on how to interact in relationships.
(4) INVITE WRITTEN QUESTIONS
Talking about and asking questions about sex can feel overwhelming. If this is the case, have no worries—there’s a workaround. Sit down with your teen. Bring individual slips of paper you can fold after writing. Have your teen write down questions they have about sex, things they’ve heard, and worries they may have. I also invite parents to write down questions from the perspective of what you feel is important for your teen to know, such as, “What are sexually transmitted diseases and how do you prevent them?” After you have written the questions together, fold them, and throw them in a container. Pick a paper from the container, read the question aloud, and answer it with age-appropriate and medically accurate information.
Teens have curiosities and questions that can’t always be answered appropriately by peers or other outside sources. Parents can provide factual information in a shame-free environment, and convey that topics related to sex are a normal part of adolescent development.
(5) CHANGE THE NARRATIVE ON TESTING LIMITS
Pushing boundaries isn’t just about making others upset, although it’s easy to do that. The next time your teen tests a boundary, get curious. Ask yourself, “What are the possible reasons that my teen is testing the boundary right now?” or, “Are there any stressors or external factors to take into consideration here?” Sometimes, you can engage directly with your teen by asking, “I can see you’re testing this limit right now—can you help me understand where you’re coming from?”
Remember, teens aren’t challenging the status quo for fun, although they sometimes take delight in testing limits. Pushing boundaries is part of how teens learn to assert independence and create their own separate identity.
