Teen Hearts, Big Feelings: Understanding Their Relationship World
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, love might be in the air for some of our teens. Valentine’s Day isn’t just about roses and romance, though commercialization would tell us otherwise; it’s also a time to celebrate the friendships and connections that shape our teens. Whether they’re navigating first crushes, friend drama, or a little bit of both, navigating relationships can be tough.
Relationships are best supported by patience and understanding, both for ourselves and others. Good relationships can be extremely rewarding, especially when we find a perfect match in a friend or romantic partner.
The Importance of Strong Friendships
Relationships have the capacity to harness connections and expand our sense of belonging; in fact, they are a cornerstone of being human. As teens move away from the family system during adolescence and explore their independence, having meaningful relationships of all types is foundational for positive development.
Teens find their fit among peers, and it’s natural for them to engage with different people and groups. Not all interactions will result in a solid friendship. Some peers become acquaintances, where exchanges remain superficial; other friendships blossom into a best friend or a close-knit circle of friends. Each relationship fills different needs, and close relationships provide affiliation and acceptance. When teens focus on sustaining and maintaining strong bonds, their mental health improves, including their sense of self-worth and confidence. Strong friendships also correlate with future mental health. Studies have shown that teens who have close friendships during adolescence demonstrate decreased symptoms of anxiety and depression as adults, compared to teens who have a larger friend group but lack close connections. The takeaway here is that having a lot of friends isn’t necessarily better than having a few strong friendships with a deep sense of connection.
Friendships also support a stronger immune system, emotional regulation, trust for others, and a stronger sense of overall happiness. In many ways, friendships are an extension of the individual teen, as well as of the family unit. As teens begin to socialize more with peers, they also share and confide more in them; friends become a sounding board for future interactions, decision-making, and problem-solving. This extension serves as a parallel dynamic to the family unit. In just the same way a teen wants to be accepted by their caregivers and family, teens want their friends to like them unconditionally, exactly as they are. Strong connections provide this acceptance that teens are looking for.
Similarly, this expansion from home to friends allows teens to explore friends who are both alike and different from themselves. When teens have friends who are unique and prioritize different values, they encounter new experiences to vicariously learn from these peers, engage in interests that they may not otherwise try, and find direct and indirect opportunities for perspective-taking and empathy. Friendships also provide support through shared experiences, especially when teens face tough situations, such as parents divorcing or losing a friendship. Talking to caregivers isn’t necessarily the first go-to for teens—they need their peers to relate. Friends who can say, “I know what that’s like,” or, “I’ve experienced that too,” provide a safe space to address some of life’s not-so-easy transitions.
Dating is Healthy and Not Always about Sex
The topic of dating is a challenging one for caregivers. Much of what we hear about teen dating is slightly misguided. Dating myths perpetuate parenting fears, which doesn’t help ease these worries. A few that come to mind include that “dating leads to sex,” “teens don’t know what true love is,” and “if I have ‘the talk’ with my teen, they’ll think having sex is okay.” Romance and dating are a very normal part of adolescence. Having accurate information on what to expect and why it’s important for teens to explore healthy dating relationships can help relax some of your parenting fears.
Teens learn through relationships, and like any relationship, romantic relationships require a set of skills. Dating builds relationship skills such as effective communication, problem-solving, demonstrating compassion and kindness, setting boundaries, and perspective-taking. Dating additionally asks teens to put themselves out there, whether it’s to experience a first date or to acknowledge that they have a crush on someone. This vulnerability isn’t easy, as it leaves teens open to the potential for hurt feelings and rejection. However, while rejection is often painful, it can also be beneficial. Rejection increases patience, allows different options to be explored, creates opportunities for change, and helps provide perspective. These benefits, however, are most supportive to a teen’s growth when the feelings associated with the rejection are addressed and explored.
Also significant is how relationships encourage teens to learn their own interaction style in relation to a partner and the expectations they have of a romantic partner. For example, some teens want to spend all of their time with their partner, while others seek more of a balance between connection and independence. In the years I’ve worked with teens, this has been a challenging arena for teens. Teens often have an idealized version of what dating looks like—a fairytale supported by movies and other forms of media. It takes time to figure out that real-life relationships are very different. Teens are learning as they go, figuring out what feels right for them, in addition to navigating these newer skills against a developing brain that is still learning impulse control. Without these dating experiences, teens wouldn’t have the space to develop the skills that help define and fine-tune who they are as a partner and what they expect of others romantically.
Contrary to popular belief, having conversations with one’s teen regarding sex has been correlated with teens waiting longer to engage in sexual intercourse and to the likelihood that birth control will be utilized. It’s also important for conversations to move beyond just sexual intercourse and include discussions around consent, dating safety, and peer pressure. While these are tricky discussions for both teens and caregivers, addressing these aspects will create more trust and openness between you and your teen when it comes to dating.
