When We Use The Words "Too" Or "So"
She’s too dramatic.
You’re so emotional.
You are too sensitive.
They’re so angry.
He’s so stubborn.
You’re so mean.
I have to admit, I’m highly sensitive to these words. Not surprising though, I was told by the people around me that I was too much as a kid; so stubborn and too sensitive were the big ones.
To a large degree, as a kid and into part of my adulthood, I learned to quiet my emotions because somehow being less of something would make me more likable, even easier to manage for the adults around me, two unhelpful, yet ingrained, beliefs that grounded my understanding of the world around me.
Likable, turned into performing athletically and academically, perfectionistic tendencies, and consistently looking for external validation from everyone around me. I was a master at people pleasing, yet when I didn’t perform well or excel, I was an emotional wreck…
When we add the words “too” or “so” to emphasize a trait or behavior, there’s a subtle message that says, You need to change and be less of something. Another subtle message that gets tied in, You’re not good enough the way you are, and you could be better.
I internalized these messages of being too much and so much. I had no clue who I was because I was so caught up in who I thought I needed to be or should be for everyone else.
While I can look back with awareness and understand that these messages of so stubborn and too sensitive weren’t verbalized with ill intent, I wonder how our words as parents can carry subtle underlying messages, and what our words are communicating to our children, especially when statements are expressed with consistency.
Here’s a couple things to keep in mind when it comes to the words so and too:
1) Changing Perspectives
What is the trait that is being negatively observed as too much or so much? Let’s be honest, we love our teens, but we don’t always love every characteristic, especially if these traits carry the potential for a negative response from others. A few examples are a teen who is too stubborn, so argumentative, or overthinks too much.
As the caregiver, take the time to step back, observe the “negative” trait, and think about how this trait could be a positive thing. Shift the perspective by asking yourself, How can this negatively perceived trait be embraced?
For example, the too stubborn teen is more likely to stay true to what makes sense for them personally, is more apt to set boundaries with others, and might have a strong sense of determination and perseverance. These now strengths create an opportunity for caregivers to nurture and support these traits, creating a healthier family dynamic that removes the need to change, or fix, our teens.
As a side note, these “negative” traits fall on a spectrum and sometimes need additional consideration to bring our teen back into balance. So, if your teen is tipping the scale in one direction, it might be helpful to point out to them how the trait is a positive thing, and how this characteristic gets them into trouble or hurts others. Sometimes, what’s needed is a little more practice to master how this unfavorable trait can be utilized in a favorable manner.
2) What is coming up for me personally?
These communications of so and too can either be direct messages expressed by you toward your teen, or from people outside the home. So, when your child is being observed as too much or so much of something, and you find yourself having a response, take a moment to curiously check-in with yourself.
Why is this trait or characteristic influencing this reaction?
Does this trait remind me of myself in any way or remind me of a previous experience?
Am I worried about how this trait will impact my teen in their interactions outside the home?
What subtle messages have I heard growing up, and is this message similar or different to my experience now?
Often times, our personal experiences, even those as far back as childhood, influence how we respond toward others and situations. For instance, if you were criticized as a child for being “too sensitive,” your teen’s sensitivity could activate (or trigger) unresolved emotions or memories from you own upbringing, thus resulting in a reaction that is influenced by your personal experiences.
The words we use to describe our children have an impact. Through self-reflection, mindful communication and shifting perspectives, parents have an opportunity to further support emotional well-being, strengthen positive connections and nurture healthy development.
